Merry We Meet!!

This is my space to share, rant, rave, and even do a little bragging about my life choices, family, and where each are taking me.

Many people think 'witch' and immediately jump to the conclusion that I am some weirdo who's home smells like stale incense and hippie. I hate to disappoint, but I am as normal as the next person. As much as a person can be normal.

So, please read on. Enjoy my trials and tribulations. Hopefully, you can learn something from the mistakes I make and the good fortunes that come my way.

~Blessed Be~

Nyx and I

Nyx and I
She was keeping me company when I felt utterly miserable. My oldest took this picture of us.

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My Iron Man!

My Iron Man!
This was just before his 12th birthday. 2015

Thursday, July 28, 2016

A Life Evolving

This post is one that I had written for another blog that I own on my business page, Haegtessa Herbals. It is a very personal post and I believe that it also belongs here at Stay-At-Home Witchery. Both blogs suffered from severe lack of attention on my part, as did many aspects of my life right now. Without any further ado... 

One thing I have always loved (and if I am being truthful... sometimes hate, loathe, and despise) is that LIFE is in constant change. We are not the same person from one day to the next, nor should we be. If we do not strive for change we become stuck in a rut. Our lives become boring routines that plod on from one day to the next. I am about to get really deep for a little while, here is a little brutal honesty that I have recently discovered about myself.

I fell in love with the IDEA of owning Haegtessa Herbals. One day, possibly, turning this dream business into a physical store in a small town. Having the perfect setup, the perfect concoction, or herb for whatever ailed the person who wandered into my shop. I have always been a dreamer and a perfect planner. My plans, however, grew far beyond my budget and my reality. The moment HH became stress, I pulled away from my dream and just decided that it was impossible for me to accomplish.

I fell into my normal pattern of avoidance and abandoned my once passionate love for my dream. Unfortunately, this time I didn't just abandon one dream. I lost my passion for ALL of them. I began spiraling even worse. Everything I had once loved or had a passion for vanished. My tarot cards began gathering dust. The pens I use for spinning beautiful tales of far away places dried up. It was to the point that I could barely tell a unique story to my children.

My life had lost it's color. I was forcing myself to clean the house, feed myself decent food, even petting my dogs became a chore. I fell into the habit of losing myself in the drama of social media, allowing the toxic anger, hatred, and outrage felt by others to seep into me and consume my life. Why? I do not have an actual reason for it. I felt like a sponge soaking up the negativity that the world around me was exuding. I was waking up every single morning and going to bed every single night ANGRY, hurting, and miserable.

Then.... I unplugged.

I unplugged from everything. My social media accounts, messenger apps, phone calls, text messages, friends, extended family, and almost everything else that did not consist of the people I live with. At first I was so soul-deep exhausted that I didn't feel a void or loss at all. Practically nothing mattered to me. I was angry. At myself for letting outside influences get to me this way, my friends for not being there when I needed them the most (pre-unplugged that is), and at society for being so blind to the real problems that face us. I seethed anger and sadness.

For weeks I refused to speak to anyone. I posted random pictures here and there through Instagram just so people would know I am still alive. Deep down, I was broken. My soul was in chaos. Then one day I woke up and the first thing that went through my head wasn't some dumb argument that transpired the night before. It wasn't sadness over another child being shot or some political debate that was spewing hatred. The first thing I thought was, 'I feel so loved this morning.' as I was laying in bed with my youngest's arm draped around my neck and my husband curled against my side. It was then I realized that I had let so much negativity fill my very being that I was losing these moments.

I had a monumental mind shift. I let go of the anger and sadness that was being caused by the world and people around me. I quit telling myself that I couldn't do things. This pertained at first to my ability to draw and paint but quickly consumed every aspect of my life.

I got creative, like REALLY creative. I began writing and crafting again. Painting became a new favorite past time of mine. I found a new appreciation and love of color. My wardrobe changed. Once monochromatic and pretty modern; it's now bursting with color and has a beautiful bohemian vibe to it. I spend more time outdoors (this is also due to medical cannabis, my flare ups have decreased immensely over the past 6 months). My skin is more tan now than in the past 15 years combined!

Through all of this, I have realized a few very important things about myself. 
  • First, I am amazingly strong, as pointed out by my 4 year old son. I personally have never considered myself as such. It wasn't until my youngest pointed this out to me so matter of factly that I even considered myself as such. I swear he looked at me like I had 3 heads when I asked him what he was talking about. 
  • Second, I am surrounded by wonderful and supportive people who I am lucky enough to call my friends. They accept me for who I am, free of judgement. To me family is NOT who you were born into. Family is who loves you, raises you up when you feel like you are worthless, is judgement free, and holds space for you in their hearts even when you try to shut everyone and everything out of your own. 
  • Third, I am the most important person in my life who needs my love, acceptance, and gentleness.

This shift has benefited everyone around me as well. I think this summer has been the most event filled summer of my adult life. More importantly, it FEELS good to have so much to do. My children are happier and more interested in the world around them. We are learning so much together as a family. We are evolving... in a wonderful way.

Just like I am evolving in my personal life, Haegtessa Herbals will be evolving as well. I rarely put up blog posts regarding my personal life here on Haegtessa Herbals, but I think that was part of the problem that I began to have. I took something that was so near and dear to me and Frankenstein's Monster-ed it into a business. It was never meant to be JUST a business. Haegtessa Herbals is my passion. It needs to remain as such. Prepare for evolution to consume HH as well... Our next chapter is going to be all about rebirth, renewal, and joy.

Live your joy!

As always, thank you for dealing with insanely slow blog posts my dear readers! 

Until next time,
Brightest Blessings

Monday, August 31, 2015

Connection, Motivation, and Reinvention

Amazing, wonderful, and stressful events have taken place since my last entry. Life has definitely taken some turns, sudden dips, and even a little (ok, a lot of) back tracking. All in all though, I am still enjoying the life I have created and how I choose to live it!

I am quite surprised how much I have changed and grown in the past year. Forgotten dreams, exhausted resources, health, and family issues took a huge toll. I ended up putting almost every project I had been working on and putting effort into to the wayside, sidelining my spirituality, and taking a huge break from everything. I had, unfortunately, lost myself completely. I had given so much of myself to everyone else that I had forgotten the most important person to give effort to---myself! It is true, you can't pour from an empty cup. Believe me... I TRIED!

The thing was, I didn't even realize that it was happening! It wasn't until a very close friend of mine asked me what my dream for the future was. I responded with all the dreams and goals that our family has for the future. She told me what amazing goals those were for us. Her next question left me dumbfounded for months! 

"But what about YOUR dream?" 

I had no answer for her. Matter of fact, I didn't even have an answer for myself. I had a journal with a quote on the cover that read "A goal is a dream with a deadline". I had meant to use it to keep myself on track. When I tried to write in it, I'd sit and stare at a blank page for what seemed like hours. It never sank in though that the reason was as life altering as it turned out to be. It was no wonder that I had lost all my joy, I had lost myself. I decided then and there that I needed to rediscover myself. Not only did I start out with the goal to discover my own dreams, but I decided to do something radical. I was going to fall in love... with MYSELF

I began the only way I knew how. Writing. I journaled religiously. Not my usual bitch about my day, relive fun events through written word, kind of writing. I journaled with a purpose. The first part of my entry was a paragraph or two about my day. The second was 5 affirmations about myself and the life I want. The third was probably the most important to me. It was a section where I chose something I loved about myself as well as something I currently hated. The catch was that I could only speak of both things in positive ways. Let me tell ya, after two weeks of writing in this section I started to find it was very hard to find things I didn't like anymore. I saw myself in a whole new way. Those who know me best know what a feat this was for me. I had had horrible self-esteem for many many years. Lastly, I had a section where I wrote a letter to the future me. 

After about two months, an unanticipated emergency trip to the hospital, and a whole lot of soul searching I reconnected to my spirituality. I am not sure why or how it happened. All of a sudden though, I was filled with a burning desire to create! I needed  magick. In a way I hadn't felt in a long time. I could feel the stir of the Earth and the Gods calling to me once again. I handed my oldest the bongos, the youngest his bells, and I grabbed the sage stick that had laid dormant far too long. We smudge the ever living daylights out this house! The negative energy that usually kept itself hidden in the dark corners was everywhere! When we finished cleansing, warding, and blessing our home, it was like the fog lifted from all of us. There were so many giggles, games, and impromptu dance parties that followed! It is sad to admit but I had forgotten how to just have fun. Even my husband was throwing snowballs into the house again when the oldest decided to be just a bit too stodgy and cool for us old folks. 

I hate admitting that I had forgotten how to laugh and have fun with my rowdy group of boys. Everyone had noticed, except me. Rather than get down about the past though, I actively catch myself, and (sometimes) force myself to find the joy. I had a disastrous evening in the kitchen one day not too long ago. Before I would have completely lost it. Instead, I found the humor and laughed the entire night. 

About a week after that incident, I grabbed that goal/dream journal, and instead of staring at the pages, I wrote. And wrote. And wrote! I filled 5 pages with a cohesive plan and destination for my dreams, my soul's desires!! I had not only rediscovered myself. I fell in love with myself, for what is very likely the first time ever. I had also reconnected with my family, both biological and spiritual. I rediscovered my lost passion for things that I had loved and let fall to the side (this blog being one of them). 

Unfortunately, in today's society it is so easy to lose yourself. Especially when you are a mother and expected to be this superwoman who is capable of, literally, everything. Everyone else's needs, wants, and desires come before your own. It's a horrible reality when you realize that you haven't a single dream that is your own. Don't be ashamed or scared to do what's good for you as a person, an individual. Self care... it is that important! 

Dear Reader, what's your dream? Think about it. Dig deep and discover something you may have forgotten. When we are kids and someone asks us our dreams, we spew ridiculous and outlandish things. We believe them too, until someone tells us we can't. Ignore what you've been told... Dream big! Achieve big! If no one else believes in you... believe in yourself. If you need a friend's support, feel free to email me! I will gladly give you the encouragement you are in need of! Everyone should have someone to smile, listen, and say "YES!! YOU CAN DO IT!!"

Brightest Blessings!!

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Daddy and I

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