This post is one that I had written for another blog that I own on my business page, Haegtessa Herbals. It is a very personal post and I believe that it also belongs here at Stay-At-Home Witchery. Both blogs suffered from severe lack of attention on my part, as did many aspects of my life right now. Without any further ado...
One thing I have always loved (and if I am being truthful... sometimes hate, loathe, and despise) is that LIFE is in constant change. We are not the same person from one day to the next, nor should we be. If we do not strive for change we become stuck in a rut. Our lives become boring routines that plod on from one day to the next. I am about to get really deep for a little while, here is a little brutal honesty that I have recently discovered about myself.
I fell in love with the IDEA of owning Haegtessa Herbals. One day, possibly, turning this dream business into a physical store in a small town. Having the perfect setup, the perfect concoction, or herb for whatever ailed the person who wandered into my shop. I have always been a dreamer and a perfect planner. My plans, however, grew far beyond my budget and my reality. The moment HH became stress, I pulled away from my dream and just decided that it was impossible for me to accomplish.
I fell into my normal pattern of avoidance and abandoned my once passionate love for my dream. Unfortunately, this time I didn't just abandon one dream. I lost my passion for ALL of them. I began spiraling even worse. Everything I had once loved or had a passion for vanished. My tarot cards began gathering dust. The pens I use for spinning beautiful tales of far away places dried up. It was to the point that I could barely tell a unique story to my children.
My life had lost it's color. I was forcing myself to clean the house, feed myself decent food, even petting my dogs became a chore. I fell into the habit of losing myself in the drama of social media, allowing the toxic anger, hatred, and outrage felt by others to seep into me and consume my life. Why? I do not have an actual reason for it. I felt like a sponge soaking up the negativity that the world around me was exuding. I was waking up every single morning and going to bed every single night ANGRY, hurting, and miserable.
Then.... I unplugged.
I unplugged from everything. My social media accounts, messenger apps, phone calls, text messages, friends, extended family, and almost everything else that did not consist of the people I live with. At first I was so soul-deep exhausted that I didn't feel a void or loss at all. Practically nothing mattered to me. I was angry. At myself for letting outside influences get to me this way, my friends for not being there when I needed them the most (pre-unplugged that is), and at society for being so blind to the real problems that face us. I seethed anger and sadness.
For weeks I refused to speak to anyone. I posted random pictures here and there through Instagram just so people would know I am still alive. Deep down, I was broken. My soul was in chaos. Then one day I woke up and the first thing that went through my head wasn't some dumb argument that transpired the night before. It wasn't sadness over another child being shot or some political debate that was spewing hatred. The first thing I thought was, 'I feel so loved this morning.' as I was laying in bed with my youngest's arm draped around my neck and my husband curled against my side. It was then I realized that I had let so much negativity fill my very being that I was losing these moments.
I had a monumental mind shift. I let go of the anger and sadness that was being caused by the world and people around me. I quit telling myself that I couldn't do things. This pertained at first to my ability to draw and paint but quickly consumed every aspect of my life.
I got creative, like REALLY creative. I began writing and crafting again. Painting became a new favorite past time of mine. I found a new appreciation and love of color. My wardrobe changed. Once monochromatic and pretty modern; it's now bursting with color and has a beautiful bohemian vibe to it. I spend more time outdoors (this is also due to medical cannabis, my flare ups have decreased immensely over the past 6 months). My skin is more tan now than in the past 15 years combined!
Through all of this, I have realized a few very important things about myself.
- First, I am amazingly strong, as pointed out by my 4 year old son. I personally have never considered myself as such. It wasn't until my youngest pointed this out to me so matter of factly that I even considered myself as such. I swear he looked at me like I had 3 heads when I asked him what he was talking about.
- Second, I am surrounded by wonderful and supportive people who I am lucky enough to call my friends. They accept me for who I am, free of judgement. To me family is NOT who you were born into. Family is who loves you, raises you up when you feel like you are worthless, is judgement free, and holds space for you in their hearts even when you try to shut everyone and everything out of your own.
- Third, I am the most important person in my life who needs my love, acceptance, and gentleness.
This shift has benefited everyone around me as well. I think this summer has been the most event filled summer of my adult life. More importantly, it FEELS good to have so much to do. My children are happier and more interested in the world around them. We are learning so much together as a family. We are evolving... in a wonderful way.
Just like I am evolving in my personal life, Haegtessa Herbals will be evolving as well. I rarely put up blog posts regarding my personal life here on Haegtessa Herbals, but I think that was part of the problem that I began to have. I took something that was so near and dear to me and Frankenstein's Monster-ed it into a business. It was never meant to be JUST a business. Haegtessa Herbals is my passion. It needs to remain as such. Prepare for evolution to consume HH as well... Our next chapter is going to be all about rebirth, renewal, and joy.
Live your joy!
As always, thank you for dealing with insanely slow blog posts my dear readers!
Until next time,