I am quite surprised how much I have changed and grown in the past year. Forgotten dreams, exhausted resources, health, and family issues took a huge toll. I ended up putting almost every project I had been working on and putting effort into to the wayside, sidelining my spirituality, and taking a huge break from everything. I had, unfortunately, lost myself completely. I had given so much of myself to everyone else that I had forgotten the most important person to give effort to---myself! It is true, you can't pour from an empty cup. Believe me... I TRIED!
The thing was, I didn't even realize that it was happening! It wasn't until a very close friend of mine asked me what my dream for the future was. I responded with all the dreams and goals that our family has for the future. She told me what amazing goals those were for us. Her next question left me dumbfounded for months!
"But what about YOUR dream?"
I had no answer for her. Matter of fact, I didn't even have an answer for myself. I had a journal with a quote on the cover that read "A goal is a dream with a deadline". I had meant to use it to keep myself on track. When I tried to write in it, I'd sit and stare at a blank page for what seemed like hours. It never sank in though that the reason was as life altering as it turned out to be. It was no wonder that I had lost all my joy, I had lost myself. I decided then and there that I needed to rediscover myself. Not only did I start out with the goal to discover my own dreams, but I decided to do something radical. I was going to fall in love... with MYSELF!
I began the only way I knew how. Writing. I journaled religiously. Not my usual bitch about my day, relive fun events through written word, kind of writing. I journaled with a purpose. The first part of my entry was a paragraph or two about my day. The second was 5 affirmations about myself and the life I want. The third was probably the most important to me. It was a section where I chose something I loved about myself as well as something I currently hated. The catch was that I could only speak of both things in positive ways. Let me tell ya, after two weeks of writing in this section I started to find it was very hard to find things I didn't like anymore. I saw myself in a whole new way. Those who know me best know what a feat this was for me. I had had horrible self-esteem for many many years. Lastly, I had a section where I wrote a letter to the future me.
After about two months, an unanticipated emergency trip to the hospital, and a whole lot of soul searching I reconnected to my spirituality. I am not sure why or how it happened. All of a sudden though, I was filled with a burning desire to create! I needed magick. In a way I hadn't felt in a long time. I could feel the stir of the Earth and the Gods calling to me once again. I handed my oldest the bongos, the youngest his bells, and I grabbed the sage stick that had laid dormant far too long. We smudge the ever living daylights out this house! The negative energy that usually kept itself hidden in the dark corners was everywhere! When we finished cleansing, warding, and blessing our home, it was like the fog lifted from all of us. There were so many giggles, games, and impromptu dance parties that followed! It is sad to admit but I had forgotten how to just have fun. Even my husband was throwing snowballs into the house again when the oldest decided to be just a bit too stodgy and cool for us old folks.
I hate admitting that I had forgotten how to laugh and have fun with my rowdy group of boys. Everyone had noticed, except me. Rather than get down about the past though, I actively catch myself, and (sometimes) force myself to find the joy. I had a disastrous evening in the kitchen one day not too long ago. Before I would have completely lost it. Instead, I found the humor and laughed the entire night.
About a week after that incident, I grabbed that goal/dream journal, and instead of staring at the pages, I wrote. And wrote. And wrote! I filled 5 pages with a cohesive plan and destination for my dreams, my soul's desires!! I had not only rediscovered myself. I fell in love with myself, for what is very likely the first time ever. I had also reconnected with my family, both biological and spiritual. I rediscovered my lost passion for things that I had loved and let fall to the side (this blog being one of them).
Unfortunately, in today's society it is so easy to lose yourself. Especially when you are a mother and expected to be this superwoman who is capable of, literally, everything. Everyone else's needs, wants, and desires come before your own. It's a horrible reality when you realize that you haven't a single dream that is your own. Don't be ashamed or scared to do what's good for you as a person, an individual. Self care... it is that important!
Dear Reader, what's your dream? Think about it. Dig deep and discover something you may have forgotten. When we are kids and someone asks us our dreams, we spew ridiculous and outlandish things. We believe them too, until someone tells us we can't. Ignore what you've been told... Dream big! Achieve big! If no one else believes in you... believe in yourself. If you need a friend's support, feel free to email me! I will gladly give you the encouragement you are in need of! Everyone should have someone to smile, listen, and say "YES!! YOU CAN DO IT!!"
Brightest Blessings!!
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